Who am I?
One form of domestic violence is verbal abuse. This type of abuse can be defined as a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept of another person. Verbal abuse warps your mind and twists your self-worth. The accusations that were repeatedly being yelled in my face told me who I was. I was a “stupid bitch.”
I had 2 reactions to the abuse as it happened…
- I froze, I went inside the shell of who I was and I mentally shut down. I blocked my mind out as best as I possibly could and I prayed to God to please take away my hearing and to strip me of the memory of what was being said. This reaction was tricky though because while I was doing all this in my mind, I still had to remain calm and composed as this man stood inches away from me, screaming in my face. If I was good, the actual yelling aspect of the abuse would sometimes only last 5-10 minutes.
- I ran, I went from room to room of my home shutting as many doors in between me and him as I possibly could. I placed all my weight on those doors, crying and begging him to please stop, to please leave me alone only to have him push open the doors as if my weight was nothing more than a feather. Y’all I got in trouble when I used this method, I was yelled every disgusting and vile name in the book. These sessions weren’t over quickly, I had angered him and I would pay. I paid the price for hours sometimes and more times than not the fighting only ended because he wore himself out and he fell asleep. Then it was safe for me to leave the room and go to the far corner of the house and cry as silently as I could.
For 8 long years I was told who I was by my abuser. There were days that would go by that I was called a bitch more times than I was my own name. My list that defined me was long, negative and saddening.
But y’all…. my story isn’t over and my abuser no longer controls the narrative of my life…I do.
This post is motivated by an amazing movie I just watched at the theater. If you want your heart strings pulled at and are ready to cry like a baby, then I HIGHLY recommend watching Overcomer. Without giving away too much of the movie for those that haven’t’ seen it, one phrase stuck with me. The question was asked, “Who are you?” You know what my first thought was? I am a daughter of the King.
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