What is Justice?

September 9, 2019October 1, 2022 by byebyebirdie 1 Comment

My story is not in any kind of order, my brain and memory don’t allow that at the moment. I am learning life is not fair, and the justice system isn’t either. I grew up watching Law and Order: SVU religiously. (What I wouldn’t give to have Lt. Benson fighting for me and my rights.) Again, not being able to fully understand the depths of evil and comprehending that people do and will lie under oath and on the stand I saw just how differently real life court is compared to a television show. Along with more things than I can even count, my favorite tv show has now been turned into a “trigger” for me. 

I hid my abuse for 8 years. 8 very long, difficult, draining and physically exhausting years. To be perfectly honest with you, I still can’t fully tell you the reasons why. Shame, disbelief and fear all played a role. My abuser during this time was my husband, but I won’t be referring to him as ‘husband’ because frankly husband and abuser should never be used in same sentence. I believe in the biblical perspective of a husband and all that stands for…but this concept will be for another post, so for now, just follow along.

My abuser told me several times of his fear of landing in prison and how if he was ever locked up, he assured me I would never see him again because he would kill inside those 4 walls lengthening his sentence. Now, to a person not living inside an abusive relationship this may sound like a win-win situation right? The abuser gets locked up, most likely not getting out on good behavior and his victim is free now…. But this isn’t how it works ya’ll. I was brainwashed, manipulated and trauma bonded. (Insert all the reasons of victim blaming for staying) The very man who was hurting me should have been sentenced to prison, but instead I didn’t want him to be hurt and locked up and HIS life ruined, so I didn’t go to the police when I should have. I placed him above me, his thriving career above me, his outward appearance to the world above me, his military reputation above me, and I kept silent.

Now that you understand a tiny bit of the backstory, back to the justice system.

Speaking out, stepping forward and shining light on abuse is hands down the scariest thing I have ever encountered in my life and some people never even have the opportunity to.

Inside this Texas courthouse, I stood approached the witness stand and took a seat. I had the Judge and her court reporter sitting to my left and directly in front of me was my abuser, staring, watching me alongside his attorney. This man controlled my every move for the last 8 years, and here I was about to speak and share the abusive encounters right in front of him as his attorney clung to my testimony ready to twist every word of mine around to benefit his client while interrogating and invalidating me every step of the way. Unfortunately I wish I could say the only person in the courthouse that made me feel invalidated was my abuser and his attorney….but this wasn’t the case. The Judge was busy, she needed to wrap us up and move to the next case so my attorney started asking me ‘yes and no’ only questions. He asked, “Have you been verbally abused?”…Yes. “Have you been physically or sexually abused?”….Yes. That’s when the judge cut us off, stating this was not filed as an exhibit and we were catching the opposing side off-guard.  “Off guard?!” I silently screamed in my head. This is not a surprise to him…he knows what he did to me. I was completely shut down by the Judge. The person who was supposed to be fair, unbiased shut me down and sided with my abuser. This is when I realized just unfair life can really be. But I am learning that justice can come in many different ways, maybe he isn’t sitting in prison serving justice, but I am learning just how strong of a woman I can be. No longer in the ‘strong’ sense because I had to out of survival, but now I am learning a new version of ‘strong’ no longer afraid to stay silent. (Ok, maybe that’s not totally true…this is pretty terrifying!) But the goodness outweighs the fear. I want to bring change, spread awareness and stop this disgusting abuse. All it takes is one person to read my story and tell someone. I choose to believe the Judge invalidated me so that my story wouldn’t stop with the handful of people sitting in the courtroom, but instead maybe God has a bigger plan, a bigger vision.

 My goal is that domestic violence is no longer a taboo word where people turn and look the other way and pretend it isn’t happening… No gesture is too small y’all I promise. A ‘like’ comment, text, prayer anything to bring validation to someone hurting and listening to their story has more meaning and impact than most will ever understand.