Killer Commute
5 days a week I make this drive across the 430 bridge and admire the beautiful view. I think and plan in my head about when my next getaway can be to go hike Pinnacle. I wonder what the weather will be like on my next days off. I go through a whole list of activities I would love to do as I travel the 2.9 miles across that bridge, and these thoughts continue as I no longer see water off to my left or right. Whether it’s planning a future hike, admiring the view, or singing my little heart out to the radio…my final and reoccurring thought is thankfulness.
This hasn’t always been the case though y’all. There was a solid year where I white knuckled that steering wheel and prayed “Please God, Please God, Please God” over and over those long 2.9 miles as I fought so hard to not drive my car off that 430 bridge. I did every protective measure I humanly could. I would only drive on the inside 3rd lane, I cracked my window down thinking that would help if hit the water, at times I would even unbuckle at this point. Y’all I didn’t WANT to die, but sometimes it felt like I didn’t have a choice. I felt almost like a magnet to death pulling me closer.
I don’t know what your backstory is, but when I envision depression/suicide, I think about those posters hanging on walls with a girl sitting on the floor holding her knees looking sad and crying in black and white. That didn’t fit my description… I was fighting! I was in survival mode, but yet I was deeply depressed, very suicidal and nobody knew.
Being trapped inside an abusive relationship carries a fog with it. I stayed in a constant adrenaline induced state high up on my tip toes cutting myself on the egg shells while trying to avoid the landmines. If you were to have asked me then if I thought I was depressed, I would have said with absolute certainty, no! What I was experiencing was turned into my normal so instead I thought I simply had anxiety and a fear of heights and that was the reason I struggled with making that drive. Getting away from my abuser, letting the fog lift and gaining a new perspective has opened my eyes to the truth. The truth of how this WAS NOT ok.
Now I’m not going to get all Brady Bunch positive here y’all, but I do believe that life is what you make of it and that includes your mindset during the healing process. So, yes there are times where having a commute totally sucks but more often than not, I’m thankful. Thankful that I still have the opportunity to make that beautiful drive.
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