Embarrassment
Healing is weird. It is absolutely not a linear thing, but more like a roller coaster in my opinion. While I do not have the “I miss you”… I love you”… “wish you were still in my life”… thoughts. I do still have flashbacks, memories and triggers every single day. So, a couple of things have triggered this blog post.
- Watching an abusive TikTok video and reading the ‘victim blaming’ comments.
- Watching a woman speak out on a video I previously posted on Facebook about why abuse is hidden.
- A memory/flashback of my birthday a couple of years ago.
I was watching a tiktok video of a woman secretly videoing her husband screaming, cussing, yelling how much he hates her and slamming doors while she calmly asks him to stop. So first off, this was a trigger for me because I have been in her exact same situation. I was curious and clicked on the comments to see what the public thought.
The comment section was heartbreaking to say the least and a perfect example of why domestic abuse is primarily kept so private and hidden. The large majority of comments was victim blaming and attacking, completely ignoring the mans actions. Some of the commenting included: “What did you do to make him yell at you?” “Why did you make him so mad?” “What did you do to start this?” “Why are you recording, entrapment?” “You’re so calm, you instigated this.“
This is what the majority of people think and it’s a hard pill to swallow. I have personally recorded fights to listen back on. Not for entrapment but because I was so confused about what was happening. I knew that words spoken and actions taken would later be denied and I would be called a liar and crazy, and even with the recording proving I wasn’t, I would still believe him. There are so so many faucets to abuse, but the main goal is to demean and belittle a persons self worth until there is nothing left except an empty shell of who a person once was.
When the comments called her out for being so calm, maybe people need to look at a different perspective. That being calm might not be fake, but instead an example of her strength. For me, it was a behavior I learned to survive and lessen the injury.
The Facebook video that I watched and shared was so well said and so much truth. She basically boiled down the reason as to why abuse is kept so silent and secretive, is because it’s embarrassing. And she’s right, it is. Some peoples stance when they find out is like above where they blame the victim. While other people voice so matter-of-factly exactly what they would have done, “I would have left the second he did…..” All this does to the victim is make her feel even more stupid and reiterating what her abuser is already telling her. The video below does have some language, but what she speaks I couldn’t have said better myself if I tried so I felt it important to share.
My memory I was thinking about today was my birthday a couple of years back. I went to the Smokey Mountains with all my family, it was a joint birthday as well as reunion. Just to give an example of how warped a persons mind can become, the following situation took place on my actual birthday. A day when most people are made to feel special and loved, instead I lied, covered up and protected my abuser.
I missed my birthday dinner with my family because I locked myself inside the hotel room bathroom, sitting on a cold tile floor scrunched up against the door in the corner bawling. My family kept calling and texting me to see why I wasn’t down in the lobby ready to leave for dinner. But instead of telling them the truth, that I was afraid to come out from the bathroom because my abuser wouldn’t stop yelling at me for the trouble I was in from earlier. I instead hit ignore on my phone. Why?? Because I was embarrassed for them to know, and I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.
Just earlier that same day before going up to the hotel room, I jumped from a moving car to get away from my abuser. When my abuser got angry, he drove recklessly. Unfortunately throughout the course of our marriage, it was not uncommon to say my prayers and prepare to die as he took dangerous chances behind the wheel out of fury. I waited until we were near the hotel and I couldn’t take anymore. I opened the door and jumped out and tried to take cover. We were in the parking lot at this time when he kept driving and yelling at me to get back in the vehicle because I was causing a scene and embarrassing him. At this point I felt trapped, afraid to walk towards the hotel out of fear he would run me over so instead I ran to the curbs by the trees. I look back and it sickens me to realize the gravity of that. I literally protected the reputation of the man I was leaping out of a moving vehicle to get away from. And here is the real kicker of the entire situation and the cause of so much abuse on this particular day…. I made a decision that differed from his. That’s it. What I endured that day began at an amusement park where I said I didn’t want to ride a particular ride with him, and that decision that I made to have my own voice, I paid for. When I was given the silent treatment as punishment, I covered up for him and told my family everything is fine…He’s just tired.
So I guess with all this being said, a lot of people ask the ‘Why’ and I get it. In my personal experience embarrassment and fear of shame plays a role in why abuse is kept so private not only while it is happening but also when trying to heal. This wasn’t an easy post to write and share, it sucks to grasp the hold this man had on me. But I feel strongly that people need to understand what domestic violence really looks like so maybe just maybe there will be a few less ‘snap judgments’ and a few more victims turning into survivors.
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